Fang Talks

Why can't I hold all these slogans?

Thoughts, ideas, angers, satisfactions, happiness, depression. It all comes and goes as it pleases.

And that’s just how the roller coasts. But mine seems to have slowed down, as it does sometimes. Much like all these ideas for great posts I keep losing in that half minute it takes me to get pen and paper, I’m losing things much more important right now. Motivation, desires, pleasures, ambitions. They’re still there, I know it, but they’re out of reach right now. Out of reach because I don’t know why I keep putting up with things that don’t satisfy me, out of reach because I simply don’t know if I’m doing the right things– or if I’m doing anything at all.

It’s weird. I’ve had these kind of slumps before, so I know I’ll get on top of it eventually. But right now, in the moment, the mountains of worries and fears feel insurmountable. Something in my head tells me I’m writing half-decent prose here. If I have that thought, thinking these words that might as well be an angsty teen’s are any good, then I can be sure I’m not in the best mental spot.

Is this depression? I can’t mutter the self-discipline to keep off that snooze button, I can’t kick myself into gear to get anything done. But I feel like I could still enjoy my hobbies, if only I attempted them again. Is this anxiety? The things to come imbue me with fear, change seems like it will crush my world with me still in it. But I can also envision the good things, the stuff I look forward to.

Minor things can get me all worked up, they stress me out quicker than I thought possible. But in most cases I can still make a play out of them, treat them like big jokes. Like I’ve always done. Like I always will. Does that mean I’m coping? Is there anything to cope with even, or is this just the normal flow of things?

In the end, this will pass. Will it? Yes, it will. Everything is fleeting.
~ Fang

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