Fang Talks

Leading Programmo-Tike
12 01 14

Caves, p57

In which I drive myself into a corner again, plotwise. (previous)

‘Woah, back up there.’ Roy interrupted Andrea’s somewhat chaotic storytelling. ‘You saw what? The surface?’
‘That’s… exactly what she said.’ Mitchell shook his head. ‘You’re not making this recital any less painful.’
‘Yeah but, so that’s where you came from? Heard the rumors about it, but never thought it to be real, let alone accessible.’ He paused, unsure if it was okay to proceed. ‘Pretty dangerous place, from the looks of it.’ he said, hinting at Mitchell’s scars.
‘Don’t matter. Bottom line is-‘ A punch to the shoulder caused him to stop.
‘Excuse me.’ Andrea interrupted him. ‘Can I finish my story here?’ She proceeded to do so by telling Roy about Warren’s plans and how he’s “basically being an inconsiderate asshole”.

‘But this gemite stuff they got,’ Roy started. ‘Isn’t that magic? I mean, aside from it being part poison or whatever. Can’t you use that somehow?’
Andrea gave it a little bit of thought, but quickly dismissed the suggestion. ‘Well, it has its uses, otherwise it wouldn’t be such a big deal for the village there. But wouldn’t say it’s magic per se.’ She recalled what Gerald told them about gemite’s history. ‘Doing magic’s actually a big no-no, so we wouldn’t know how anyway.’
‘Or would we?’ Mitchell had the vague idea he knew more about this than he could remember off the top of his head. ‘I got to go check something. Do me a favor and draw a map of the places we’ve been to!’ The last part was hardly audible as he was already running back to his room.
‘And off he goes again.’ Andrea sighed.

Maybe I should write a more light-hearted story next time. The urge to crack shitty jokes is just so strong sometimes, even when the set/setting doesn’t permit it. Also, please be harsh. Feel like there’s a lot to critique here, but can’t put my finger on it. (next)
~ Fang

Comments

  • 13/01/2014 (8:58 PM)

    No particular critiques from my end. Keep at it!

    -Barb

  • 13/01/2014 (4:44 PM)

    As a web comedian, I have to say that you can crack jokes any time. We’ve written some really dark, dreary stories and still thrown in humor. As long as you aren’t making your piece into a joke as a whole you’ll be fine. Also, the red pen of death…

    The last part was hardly audible as he was early running back to his room.

    Do you mean as he was ‘already’ running back to his room?

  • 13/01/2014 (3:26 AM)

    Hey crack stupid jokes any time you want. Sheesh I wrote a serious conversation between two orphans and threw in some jokes. As far as criticism goes I think the only thing really is the “Don’t matter, bottom line is-” A punch to the shoulder.” It just sounds wrong to me. Maybe instead of just “A punch to the shoulder” it should be something like “began Mitchell before a punch in the shoulder interrupted him.”

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