Fang Talks

Bananas aren't curved.
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Caves, p53

What is this, the second to last part of Caves you’ll get in 2013? (previous)

‘Ha, looks who’s back!’ Roy yelled the greeting when he saw them enter the Bastion. He waved enthusiastically, but froze when they got closer. ‘Shit, what happened to you?’ He was referring to Mitchell’s scarred face.
‘Hey.’ The simple reply didn’t do much about Roy’s worried state. ‘I’m fine.’ It was obvious he was lying, but Roy knew to let it go for now.
They passed by Roy and headed for the stairs. ‘Warren’s here, right?’ Andrea asked in a slightly somber tone. The answer made her sigh.

Three loud knocks on the door, echoing through to the other side. ‘It’s Mitch and me.’ One could hear drawers were being closed and objects shuffled around on the otherwise silent opposite side of the door. After a few seconds, a grumpy ‘Come in.’ was mumbled.
Warren sighed as the two took their seats. ‘What’s this supposed to mean, eh?’ He took a moment to look both of them in the eye. Andrea’s had that sparkle to them, that taste for adventure. It had faded out a bit, but was still present. Mitchell’s, on the other hand, seemed completely devoid of any passion. Warren’s vision trailed off to the scars, the hideous scars. Were those grains of sand stuck in there? It looked pretty bad.
‘We came to report on our findings.’ Andrea tried keeping a neutral tone to hear speech. Not too excited, but not all professional either. ‘We discovered a lot, after all.’

‘You’d better!’ Warren raised his voice. ‘Leaving without a word, how was that a good idea?’ His hands clenched together. ‘Then you’re gone for a week, and return like nothing happened? How about you report on that Andrea?’
‘It was three days, Warren!’ She got stressed, started exclaiming. ‘Just three days, I was helping Mitchell out! And I thought…’ Her face lowered, she focussed her view on the edge of the desk. ‘Maybe I’d discover something good this time. You know, live up to your fucking expectations?’
The man slammed a fist on his desktop. ‘I expect you to have some common sense!’ The second fist followed suit. ‘A father likes to know what his daughter is up to, “you know?”‘

Sha-bang, let’s end it right there at the minor plot twist. As usual, be harsh in your criticism please! (next)
~ Fang

Comments

  • 30/12/2013 (4:23 PM)

    My only tad bit of harshness is that double adverbs sound a little clunky when spoken aloud. Example from above: Andrea asked, slightly somberly. It might sound better as something like “Andrea asked, in a slightly somber tone.”

    An adverb is used to describe a verb, noun, adjective, etc, but an adverb describing another adverb just sounds kind of unnatural.

    The rest sounds awesome though! Carry on!

  • 27/12/2013 (1:22 AM)

    There’s nothing to be harsh about. You’re getting everything out fine and it’s going good. The only problem is one tiny misspelled word with “mumbles” when it should have been “mumbled”. I was surprised to learn they were only gone three days, it felt like longer.

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