Fang Talks

Why can't I hold all these slogans?
12 09 13

Caves, p30

Wow part thirty already? We sure have come far! Dad suggested turning this into a book and selling copies to my friends once I’m done. Eh, at least a copy for myself would be cool. Or maybe a thing where I place them on random seats in the train and be the anonymous author or something. (previous)

Roy blinked quickly a couple times. ‘Getting out of where?’ He swallowed. ‘Surely you can’t mean to leave Whelhaven?’
‘I’m getting out of here.’ Mitchell repeated in the exact same tone. ‘I’m going to find my way out of these caves.’
Hearing those words was quite a shocker to Roy. He had lived here his entire life, he hadn’t ever even dreamt of a world that was more than just the caves. Mitchell could tell as much from his expression.
‘But why…’ Roy wanted to ask a more detailed question, but couldn’t get much further than that. ‘How…’
‘Don’t you know the story behind the new people that randomly show up in town, like me?’ Mitchell was giving him a serious stare, waiting for an answer he soon gave up on ever hearing. ‘I’m not from here, Roy. I want to go back to my real home.’ A short silence fell. ‘Or die trying.’

A short, rather one-sided discussion followed as Mitchell explained what he thought over last night.
‘I’m telling you because you’re a good friend and I don’t want you to be worried about me.’
Roy looked up again. ‘But now that I know what you’re up to I’m all the more worried! I don’t know much about whatever world you came from, but there’s no guarantee you can get back!’
‘I told you.’ There was that determined look in Mitchell’s eyes again. ‘I’ve decided I’m doing this, period.’
After sighing, Roy put up a happy expression. ‘Guess there’s no stopping you then. When are you leaving?’
Slightly surprised by his friend’s sudden calmness regarding the situation, Mitchell took a second to answer. ‘I was thinking of leaving tomorrow. Probably real early in the morning.’
Roy nodded in agreement of his plan. ‘Should I help pack? You better stock up well.’
‘I can manage, thanks. Hey, uh…’ Mitchell scratched the back of his head, as if about to ask a weird question. ‘If you see Andrea, could you tell her as well? I think she should know.’
‘Sure thing.’

Fuck I feel like I really butchered up that second paragraph. Still not very good with dialogue, it seems. T avoid talking heads I insert actions here and there, and though I try to make them feel natural, I think they’re still way too forced. Opinions? (next)
~ Fang

Comments

  • 16/09/2013 (4:30 PM)

    I second what Mark said. I thought your dialogue came across as very natural, particularly with the actions in between to break things up. It looks great.

    Also, if you did make this into a book (which you should), sell it to more than just your friends. Take the world by storm. Dream big, man!

  • 12/09/2013 (9:59 PM)

    I think you did a pretty good job as far as conversations go. There were definitely no talking heads at least and in conversations you need actions, even if they feel shoe horned in. A natural conversation doesn’t really happen with two people just literally standing there speaking to eachother and only moving their mouths. So, all in all, good job.

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