Fang Talks

Löve the D
25 07 13

Caves, p20

Our musketeers just jumped into a monster-filled cave, what could possibly go wrong?

Recovering from his fall Mitchell looked around. Surprisingly he hadn’t landed on one of the critters. The others had already fought a lot of them off, creating a bit of a safe area. Closest to him was Roy, rapidly smashing his way through the dog-like monsters with their large front claws and smelly, leathery fur. They clawed at him from all angles but despite the bulkiness of his sword he always managed to swiftly retaliate, just in time.
‘What you waitin’ for? Join in!’ Nigel commanded.
‘Yeah,’ Roy shouted, ‘Come cover my back for me, will make things easier!’

Mitchell nervously, but without hesitation, moved closer to the mob surrounding Roy and attacked one of the creatures from behind. A fierce jab, right through its back. It was dead in an instant. Some of the monsters noticed and turned around to fight Mitchell, who let out a panicked gasp.
Roy turned towards him. ‘Don’t worry Mitch, just jab ’em in the face one by one.’ He waved his blade around, knocking some of the attacking creatures back. ‘Block when you need to, but just keep at it!’
Pierce. Stab. Slash. One of the critters jumped at Mitchell, its claws pointed right at his eyes. In one fluid movement he parried the monster’s claws and turned his sword to forcefully puncture its chest. As quickly as it went in, he pulled his sword out again and went for his next target. With every move he made he felt less and less nervous. He realized that his foes were kind of slow and the biggest problem was their numbers.
Roy noticed Mitchell was getting more comfortable with the situation. ‘See?’ He swung his blade to deflect an attack. ‘It isn’t that hard!’

Slowly but surely the amount of creatures running around got lower and the pungent stench of dead bodies hanging in the air got stronger. After what seemed like hours, but was in fact just one of them, they had cleared out most of the area.
‘Marius,’ Nigel called. ‘Ya got a lil’ bit a…’ He circled his finger all over his face. ‘Yeah, right there.’ Marius, with a bit of a grin of his blood-strained face, wiped an arm across it, cleaning it up a little bit. He licked his lips and chuckled to himself.
‘I think we’re good for now, time to rest for a little while.’ Roy put his sword on his back, wiped the sweat off his face and walked towards Mitchell who had sat down on a rock completely out of breath. ‘You okay?’ Mitchell nodded. ‘Good. You did pretty well man, good job.’
Another one of the dog-like creatures ran by, making soft whimper noises as it passed. ‘Track it down, will ya?’ Nigel told Marius, who swiftly followed the critter into the darkness of one of the cave’s branches.

Why can’t I hold all these innuendoes. I have a feeling this didn’t come out as good as it could be, so be harsh. (next)
~ Fang

Comments

  • 29/07/2013 (3:30 PM)

    Mark’s right. Comma overload. You don’t need all of those, so tone them down a bit.

    Also, don’t be afraid to dig out the thesaurus and use some other words to mix things up. In this one, you use the word “stab” to describe what Mitchell is doing five times.

    It’s good otherwise, and I really like the action!

  • 25/07/2013 (11:34 PM)

    I think it came across alright really. The way Mitchell got lost in the action and became more confident as he kept going was put across okay. On a grammatical note though you might want to tone down the commas.

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