Fang Talks

Very bad ass.
05 06 13

Caves, p9

When we left our heroes, they were about to pick up a bear. Or was it a man? I don’t quite recall, sorry.

They got back to Derrik’s home. Andrea knocked on the door again. ‘Coming.’ Derrik’s rough voice could be heard yelling from the other side of the house. Not long after, he opened the door, stepped outside, and locked it behind him.
‘All ready to go?’ Andrea asked him.
‘Yup.’
They departed, leaving through the northern gate of town. The guard there was not unlike Shon, gatekeeper of the southern gate, appearing to be bored with his job, busy with unrelated things. Then again, there wasn’t much to do in between the people he has to let through.

‘So,’ Mitchell started, ‘We’re heading for the forest farm, right?’
‘One of the three, yeah.’ Andrea responded. ‘As you may’ve guessed, it’s where we get most of our wood. Right, Derrik?’
He slowly nodded. ‘I manage the second largest. Check it every couple months, go logging with others once a year.’
‘A lot of people depend on you doing your job right, then?’
‘Yup. And I depend on you to do your job right.’
‘Oh,’ Mitchell said jokingly, ‘All that pressure on me all of a sudden!’
‘He’s serous though.’ Andrea said in a slightly more serious tone. ‘A lot of the citizens depend on the guild to help them out, and the guild depends on its citizens. The cycle’s pretty hard to break by now, but you should still do your best to keep it going.’

After a couple hours of relatively straight-forward navigating through the caves, they found themselves at the edge of a cliff, looking down upon a large, open area. It was filled with huge, pine-like trees as far as they could see. Most were still pretty small, but there were a few tall ones mixed in as well. When Mitchell looked up to see how close to the ceiling they were, he was blinded by the bright, yellow-ish spots of light that riddled it.
‘Don’t stare directly into those, silly!’ Andrea laughed. ‘Come on, we’re almost there.’
They descended down a steep path to their left, which ended up at a small cottage.

Pretty confident in this one. Remain harsh though! Also, finally (after many bumps in the road) got the basic system for Panic Attack working. Not much to show, but check it anyway! (Oh and the next part‘s up now!)
~ Fang

Comments

  • 06/06/2013 (3:26 PM)

    Word missing between “there” and “not”. I think that was really the only mistake and other than that it was pretty good. So well done.

  • 06/06/2013 (2:31 PM)

    You should be very confident in this one. Well done! So first off, regarding your last comment, you actually explained that perfectly. And that’s why you don’t want to use passive writing. It takes away from the correct focus.

    Second, my only nitpickiness is this:

    They got back to Derrik’s home. Andrea knocked on the door again. ‘Coming.’ his rough voice could be heard yelling from the other side of the house.

    So you start off talking about Derrik. Then you talk about Andrea. Then you have dialogue, and it says HIS rough voice. It almost seems like Andrea is a boy now, and she’s saying ‘Coming.’ Do you get what I mean? It makes more sense to say something like this:

    They got back to Derrik’s home. Andrea knocked on the door again. ‘Coming.’ Derrik’s rough voice could be heard yelling from the other side of the house.

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