Fang Talks

Leading Programmo-Tike
01 06 13

Caves, p8

So I’ve been told I just need more confidence in my writing. No can do, sorry! (Previous part is here.)

After a short stroll through town, the two of them ended up at their client’s house. Andrea knocked on the door, and a large, bulky man opened. Or was it a bear? Mitchell couldn’t quite tell.
‘Morning, Derrik! I see it’s that time again?’ Andrea said, as she held up the flyer she took off of the job board earlier.
‘Yes,’ the man rumbled, ‘Yes it is.’
‘I’ll be escorting you again, hope you don’t mind my rookie friend here tags along?’ She gestured at Mitchell, who stepped forward, and offered his hand. ‘I’m Mitchell, nice to meet you.’
Derrik shook it, his hand almost twice as large as Mitchell’s. ‘Derrik. Don’t let me scare you.’ Apparently he had noticed Mitchell found him slightly intimidating.
‘Can you get ready in an hour?’ Andrea asked. ‘We still need to pack some stuff as well.’

As they started heading for Andrea’s place, she laughed. ‘You really are scared pretty easily, aren’t ya?’
‘What? No, I just…’ Mitchell sighed. ‘It’s just all so new to me, still.’
‘Ha, that’s okay, it’s just that Derrik is one of the gentlest guys I know. Small amount of words, large heart, yet most people are scared of him when they first meet him.’

They had arrived at Andrea’s house, and had started packing. ‘Here, use this.’ Andrea took a spare belt out of a drawer and threw it to Mitchell. It was the same as the one she had around her waist, complete with all the satchels, but lacking a few small decorations. ‘It’s pretty much default Scout gear. Put these in the pockets.’ She passed some more items his way. A luminescent stone, a pack of biscuits, something that looked like a first-aid kit, and a small dagger.
‘What will we be needing these for? Won’t we just be walking through the caves for a bit?’
‘You should know, the caves are dangerous. And this isn’t even that long a trip, a day, max. Normally you’d be packed with all kinds of things.’
She filled her own satchels, and then headed back to Derrik’s house to pick him up.

I’ll cut it here. Seems like a good spot, and I need to leave now anyway. Be harsh! (Next part!)
~ Fang


  • 03/06/2013 (3:45 PM)

    Mark pretty much covered it. The only other thing I would say is there’s a thing called “passive writing.” And that’s when you say things like, ‘the house of their client.’ A stronger way to say this would just be ‘their client’s house.’ It’s a small, nitpicky thing, but to some that matters.

    Looks good otherwise! Looking forward to more.

  • 02/06/2013 (10:34 AM)

    I would change “Or was it a bear? Mitchell couldn’t quite tell.” to something like “Mitchell couldn’t quite tell if it was a bear though.” and you have a change of paragraph to designate a change of location (good) but you don’t designate the new location (not so good).

    Other than that it was fine really.

Post a comment replying to A Beer For The Shower cancel

Your email will stay hidden, required field are marked with a *.

Experimental anti-spam. You only have to do this once. (Hint: it's "Fang")