Fang Talks

Stupid boy!
29 06 13

Caves, p14

Let’s hope I don’t crash and burn… again, like last time. (Right off the bat, first sentence is fucking shit, haha.)

One of the guys Mitchell had spotted yesterday, of the group with the big swords, walked over to Andrea’s table. ‘Yo!’ Looking at Mitchell, he raised his arm up.
Andrea turned around, saw who it was, and sighed. She threw an annoyed look at her friends and Mitchell, who was about to stand up and shake the guy’s hand.
‘So you the new kid, eh? Nigel here, may’ve hearda me.’ He shook Mitchell’s hand, but kept his head at its highest while doing so.
‘Mitchell. Sorry, haven’t heard of you.’
‘Wussat? Probs cause you hangin’ with the weak folk, ha. Lame stuff ain’t it, Scouting? Can’t do shit, I tell ya.’
‘Oh, it was pretty exciting actua-‘
‘You seen nothin’ yet boyo! So much roughing to do!’

Orelia buried her face in her hands. Andrea followed suit, amusing Nadia to the point where she had a grin on her face.
‘Roughing?’ Mitchell asked.
‘Yeah!’ Nigel hung his arm around Mitchell and squeezed him a little. ‘You know,’ he slowly moved his free hand through the air, as if it made whatever he was about to say magically appear, ‘roughhousing.’
‘Oh, heh, I’m no real brawler to be honest.’
‘Y’can wield a sword, right?’
‘Don’t do much heavy lifting, but I guess I can hold a lighter-‘
‘Sick, help some bros out and join us! Got some cleanin’ t’do, and we kinda low on peeps now, everybody out being busy and all.’ He gestured to the table he came from. There were two guys sitting at it, where Mitchell had seen at least four before.

‘What the fuck, Nigel?’ Andrea stood up, looked him straight in the eye. ‘Some cleaning? You can’t just take him on a “cleaning” job like that! The kid can’t even slice a sandwich to save his life, let alone be of any use in combat!’ She turned towards Mitchell for a short moment. ‘No offense pal, but yeah.’
‘Haha, An, girl, calm down. Just ’cause you can’t give the boy no training don’t mean we can’t.’
Orelia saw a folded piece of paper stick out of his pocket, and quickly snatched it. ‘Dude, this is Tier Two stuff!’
‘Don’t mean he can’t defend the backlines. Shit’s easy as killing a Xitobug. We still got two days kid, whadya say?’

He really is the silent protagonist. Except he’s not really silent, he’s just never heard. What is heard, however, are your harsh opinions. (Next.)
~ Fang

Comments

  • 01/07/2013 (2:01 PM)

    I’ll second what Mark said. Throw in some more ‘action’ as people are talking. People aren’t just going to stand there, talking and being completely motionless. And you said it… that first sentence is a little clunky. It doesn’t flow smoothly. You can always take a sentence like that and make it 2 instead of trying to fit all of that information into a single sentence.

    A guy walked over to Andrea’s table. Mitchell had noticed him yesterday as one of the men carrying big swords.

  • 30/06/2013 (2:06 AM)

    Well I’m really supposed to be in bed so I can’t be fully critical but I can say a few things. First of all, you slip between tenses; “Amusing Nadia to the point where she has a grin on her face.” Second; exposition man. Even during conversations you need some exposition. In real life people don’t just talk. It’s called Talking Heads and really I do it a lot myself so I can only say watch out for it. Include actions in conversations too.

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