Fang Talks

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17 06 13

Caves, p12

I feel like I’m about to flop so hard on this one. Let’s see if we can at least match the previous part though.

The two of them got up and swiftly made their way over to Derrik. He was standing next to a broken tree when they arrived. Its trunk had ripped about a meter into the air and the top half had conveniently landed between the other trees. Protruding from the bottom half was what appeared to be a large gemstone formation. It was green in color, but when light reflected off of it, that green looked a bit more like blue.
‘What is this?’ Mitchell asked.
‘That’s what I was wondering.’ Derrik said, scratching his beard. ‘Take a look inside. It’s hollow, aside from the rocks.’

Andrea took a step closer, wanting to see for herself.
‘Careful!’ Derrik exclaimed. ‘Don’t touch it, it may not be safe.’
She, more carefully this time, put her head over the gemstones and examined the tree. There were indeed hollow spots around the stones. ‘It’s as if it’s eaten the tree… But how did these things end up in it anyway? It’s clearly not a part of the tree, but it ain’t lifeless either.’
Mitchell went to look inside as well. He wanted to put his hand on the bark for stability, so he wouldn’t fall over onto the gemstones, but instead he put his hand too high and touched them. ‘Woah!’ He pulled his hand away, and took a step back.

‘Shit, Mitch!’ Andrea shouted. ‘You okay?’
‘Yeah yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry. But those gems, they feel extremely… I’m not even sure how to describe it. Fuzzy?’
‘They look pretty solid to me.’ Andrea muttered, still calming down from the scare Mitchell gave her. Her hand, shaking a little bit, slowly reached forward.
Derrik wanted to stop her, ‘Are you sure you-‘
‘Yow!’ She jumped back, shook her hand, and wrapper her other one around it. ‘That hurt man, what the hell! Fluffy, my ass!’
Mitchell once again came up to touch the gems. He laid his hand on them, and looked at Andrea. ‘I wasn’t lying!’
‘Uh…’ Derrik was getting increasingly confused. ‘Let me take a sample, we can leave then.’

Andrea’s fluffy ass. Uh, I mean, be harsh as usual! (Next.)
~ Fang


  • 18/06/2013 (7:24 PM)

    Well I said to just tweet me the sentence but then I came here anyway. Okay so let’s take a look at this. “Its trunk had ripped about a meter into the air and the top half had conveniently landed between the other trees.”

    I think I would change it to something like “The tree had been ripped in two, with the splinter about a meter up the trunk. The rest of the tree was laying on the ground nearby as it had conveniently missed the other trees.” Even that doesn’t make much sense to me. My writing sense is down.

  • 17/06/2013 (11:06 PM)

    I feel like her ass could be fluffier…

    My only gripe – you use the word ‘broken’ to describe the same thing twice in a row in those first few sentences. After that first sentence we already know it’s broken… so try another word to describe what the break is like.

    • 17/06/2013 (11:46 PM)

      Fun fact: There’s approximately an hour between the time of writing the first two sentences, and the third one.
      Fixed (hopefully).

    • 18/06/2013 (12:25 AM)

      Well you fixed it, presumably, but now you’re left with another problem. To me anyway the sentence “Its trunk had ripped about a meter into the air and the top half had conveniently landed between the other trees.” doesn’t make much sense. Do you mean the tree had been ripped in two at about a meter up the bark and the rest of the tree was somewhere amongst the other trees?

      So many trees.

      Other than that the only thing I could notice that might be something that needs fixing is that you gave Derrik a new line when he was still the speaker.

      “‘What is this?’ Mitchell asked.
      Derrik scratched his beard. ‘That’s what I was wondering.’

      ‘Take a look inside.’ he said. ‘It’s hollow, aside from the rocks.'” I would just have that as one long speech bit. Or throw in a “he said” after “wondering” and then start a new sentence, and not a new paragraph.

      Hope that makes sense.

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