Fang Talks

Dynamic Loo
13 06 13

Caves, p11

It’s a miracle, but we’re still going strong with this thing. Previous part went pretty well, see if we can keep that going!

Mitchell thought for a couple of seconds. Thought about his life on the surface. Waking up in the caves had been a pretty radical change from his day-to-day life, even now he had trouble believing it wasn’t all just some strange dream. He had decided to just go with it though. There wasn’t an awful lot he had lost. Through a few stupid moves he had made himself a bit of an outsider. No friends, barely any positive interaction with his family. Maybe this unexpected adventure was the kind of fresh start he had sometimes wished he could make.
‘What do you want to know?’
‘What is it that makes it so special? What does it have that isn’t down here?’

‘Well,’ Mitchell said, before he took another few seconds to think. ‘For starters, we got the sky. During the day, it’s bright blue, and if it isn’t covered by clouds the sun lights everything up.’
‘There’s clouds in the caves sometimes, but what’s the sun?’
‘It’s a huge ball of fire that gives off light and warmth, kind of necessary to live up there.’
Andrea burst out in laughter. ‘That’s a good one Mitch, a huge ball of fire! Bet you’ve all got pretty fiery personalities then!’
‘Hey, I’m telling the truth here!’
‘Sure you are Mitch, sure you are.’ She removed a small teardrop from her eye with her index finger. ‘Seriously man, how come you’re not scorched black?’
‘The sun’s so far away we only feel a fraction of its heat. You shouldn’t worry about the details, and just take my word for it.’
Andrea chuckled and looked up. ‘At least now I know why they call them sunstones.’

They sat down against a tree as their conversation continued. Some of the things Mitchell told about, like earth, its place in the solar system and the fact that is was a sphere, raised disbelief. Others, like the oceans, human-built structures and wildlife, turned out to have similar versions of themselves in the caves.
‘Why are you so eager to know all this though?’
Andrea stayed silent for a moment. ‘My dad’s from the surface, too.’ She looked down at the ground. ‘He never told me anything though, got scolded last time I asked him about it.’ Her head turned towards Mitchell and she smiled. ‘But now I know. He gets attached to things very easily, and has a rough time letting go. Can see how he has a hard time without his ball of fire warming him up.’
Mitchell sighed, then started laughing. Andrea laughed with him, but they were interrupted by Derrik yelling at them from across the cave. ‘Andrea, Mitchell, come look!’

I’m having trouble starting my sentences differently, and some of them don’t come out as nicely as I want them to, but I’m doing sort of okay still, I hope. You tell me (in a harsh way)! (Next part!)
~ Fang


  • 14/06/2013 (12:46 AM)

    Well the ABFTS boys are much more successful writers than me, so I won’t really critique the style, but I will say I liked the conversation in the chapter.

  • 13/06/2013 (10:54 PM)

    “She removed a small teardrop from here eye with her index finger.”

    It should be from her eye.

    This still sounds good, but it’s funny, because now that you mention it I notice that you do start almost all of your sentences off with a name. Mitchell sighed. Andrea laughed. Mitchell thought about something. That might be something to change up in the long run if you want to improve your writing. Diversify a bit.

    ‘Mitchell sighed, then started laughing.’
    Instead, maybe something like ‘A sigh escaped Mitchell’s lips, followed by a laugh.’

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