Fang Talks

09 06 13

Caves, p10

Previously, on Caves, the escorts and the escortee arrives at the forest farm. What’ll happen next?

Derrik searched his pockets, took out a key, and opened the door of the cottage with it. Derrik showed everyone in, put his backpack down, and took some tools out of it. He also fetched a small notebook from a shelf. ‘Make yourselves at home.’ he said, as he went out of the door and into the forest.
‘Shouldn’t we… follow him?’ Mitchell asked.
‘Why? The forests are pretty safe.’ Andrea answered, and opened a cabinet, revealing a bunch of old, unpolished mugs. ‘Want anything to drink?’
‘Sure. But I just thought that since we had to escort him here, we’d have to accompany him in the forest as well.’
‘Nah, it’s fine as long as we stay in the area.’ She took a bottle from another cabinet, and poured its thick yet fluid contents into two mugs. ‘It’s important we get him here though, traveling the caves alone can get real dangerous real fast. Here you go.’ She handed Mitchell his mug.
‘Uh… thanks.’

They sat and chatted for a while. Andrea told about the dangers of the caves, the thrill that comes with being a Scout, venturing out on your own and exploring new places. She showed Mitchell a small scar on her abdomen, “a sign of her bravery” she proudly called it. Mitchell laughed when she admitted she got it because she tripped and fell during one of her adventures.
‘Why don’t we take a walk through the forest while we’re here?’ Mitchell proposed.
‘Ha, didn’t think you’d have enough energy left for that!’ Andrea joked.
‘Hey, I’m not that much of a weakling, okay!’

The pine-like trees that composed the forest were massive. The ground wasn’t doing as well though. It was covered in a layer of strangely short grass, not much else was growing there.
‘So,’ Andrea started, ‘you’re from the surface, right?’
Mitchell reluctantly answered. ‘Yeah.’
‘What’s… What’s it like?’
‘Oh, um, I’m not supposed to, you know, talk about that. Warren said-‘
‘I know what Warren said, but come on, it won’t hurt to tell me, right?’ She seemed slightly upset.
‘Fine, fine. You haven’t heard this from me though, okay?’

Wanted to make this a bit longer, but I’m losing steam, and this may be a good time to cut it. Think I did well, but please be harsh as usual! (Next part!)
~ Fang


  • 10/06/2013 (4:12 PM)

    I actually have nothing to be harsh about. Everything sounds well, and I like how you’re building up the characters. Andrea’s story about her war scar, which was really just her falling, tells a lot about her as a character. Those little quirks help bring a story to life. Well done!

  • 09/06/2013 (11:32 PM)

    It went alright. Once again I could only spot one mistake as far as grammar went. “They went outside, Derrik…” doesn’t really sound right. I would make it either two sentences or replace the , with “and”.

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