Fang Talks

what have i done

So, here’s a thing. (Now edited into past tense.) (Double-edited with extra small fixes.)

As you probably know I’ve been feeling kind of down lately. My lack of motivation has been undermining my progress, leaving me feeling kind of hollow. Now I’m finally caving in and will be filling that progress hole by once again spelunking into the field of writing. Or maybe I should just go and be a shitty comedian. I fissure I grotto stop making these cracky puns though, the basic plot setting should be set in stone by now.
Writing this as I go (this can’t end well), it’s mostly me working through an idea to be used in a future game (ie, never), and hopefully writing this will help me sort some things out. Without further ado.

‘Hey guy?’ She nudged the body. ‘If you’re not dead, now’s the time to prove so.’
No reaction came from the body. She flipped it over so she could see his face. After sighing, she held her ear up to his chest. Thud thud. Thud thud. There was something beating in there, alright.
Smack, smack. Some slaps to the face, that would help. ‘Wake up already man, I’m not going to carry ya all the way back!’
A couple of subtle movements of limbs and some blinking later, the guy was sitting upright. He looked around, dazed, and locked eyes with the gal.
‘Don’t think I’ve seen you around here, ya new?’ she asked, stretching out her hand, offering for him to grab onto it. He did, she pulled him up on his feet.
Seconds of silence passed. ‘No?’
‘Yeah, you’re new alright. Come on, let me guide you to town, it isn’t far.’

The gal led, the guy followed. She remained mostly silent while he looked around in awe as they passed through a wide variety of areas. They had started in a regular cave. The usual rocks and dirt all around. Without leaving the cave system, they had also passed through plains, forests. Every new landscape just as majestic and beautiful as the last one, but looking up always presented one with the same view: a rough, rocky, sometimes slightly mossy surface with bright white stones dotted all over. These stones apparently gave off light all on their own, and provided most of the necessary lighting wherever one went.

‘So,’ the guy started, ‘what is this place?’
‘Oh.’ A slight bit of disappointment could be heard in the gal’s voice. ‘And here I thought you’d introduce yourself, or ask me for my name or something.’
‘Sorry, I-‘
‘Nah, it’s cool. I’m no storyteller though, so you’re better off waiting for Warren to give you a formal intro. The name’s Andrea by the way, but most folks just call me Drea. You are?’
‘Mitchell, Mitchell Ruperts. And, uh, thanks for saving me.’
‘What? No man, I just found ya.’
‘I would’ve gotten awfully lost if it wasn’t for you.’
They both chuckled a bit, but the conversation died again after that. The fairly open area they were in narrowed down a bit, and the absence of the luminescent stones made it a lot harder to see anything. Andrea opened one of the satchels on her waist, revealing a smaller stone, also emitting light. Not long after the two of them started hearing strange noises coming from behind.

D-did I do well? (Be harsh please.) (Next part!)
~ Fang

Comments

  • Yimiki
    04/05/2014 (10:32 PM)

    Found it! =D

    Hehe, I liked the beginning. Don’t know how long it is going to take me to read it all, since there’s not much free time after school, but I’ll try my best! =D

    PS. (You know who I am. Don’t you dare not realize who I am. =3)

    • 04/05/2014 (11:30 PM)

      Oh damn yeah I was supposed to email you the link, haha. Sorry about that!
      Thanks, and take your time!

  • 06/05/2013 (2:25 PM)

    Okay, here’s my harshness. This is really good, but I see a few spots that could use touchups.

    For the opener, don’t say “She nudged the body she just found.” A stronger way of saying this would just be “She nudged the body.” It leaves a little to the imagination, and by ending with the word ‘body,’ you make the focus more about the body itself. It will intrigue the reader even more. Plus, if she’s asking “Hey, guy?” and just nudged it, the reader can assume that she just found him that way. Sometimes in writing less is more.

    Lastly, in that last bit of dialogue Andrea says “I’m Andrea, by the way.” Then immediately after Mitchell says, “Thanks for saving me, by the way.” Try not to use too much repetition in your wording. It can stand out as being awkward.

    Regardless, it was still a good read, and I’m actually kinda sad I couldn’t see it when it was present tense.

  • 05/05/2013 (12:25 AM)

    It’s not bad. Present tense can be pretty tough to do though, so that’s more a warning than anything. Be careful or you’ll find yourself jumping in and out of tenses. I tried to write a story in the present tense and then it just got too weird and wrong and I had to switch to past tense.

    The writing itself is very informal. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though. This was short and simple and very hard to screw up. As such I can’t really find much, if anything, wrong with it. I’m mostly useful for pointing out grammar flaws anyway.

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