Fang Talks

coolguy
20 05 13

Caves, p5

When we last left our hero, he was entering a room with an old drunken man. What could possibly happen next?

‘Have a seat, kiddo.’ Warren said as they entered what appeared to be his office. The room had a comfy feeling to it, probably due to the warm, orange-red light a couple of luminescent stones gave off. ‘Would you… like a drink?’ He held up a bottle of whiskey.
Mitchell hesitated for a bit. ‘Uh, yes, thank you.’ He sat down at the desk, and accepted his drink a short while later.
‘So…’ Warren started as he, too, sat down, and took a quick sip of his whiskey. ‘You probably want some, well, answers… right?’
‘That’d be great.’

‘Well then…’ As Warren put his glass down, his expression changed. Though very subtle, he now appeared much more serious. ‘You’re in the caves. Part of the system, trapped in it. Huddle together with us, and you’re bound to survive. That’s all there’s to it, kid.’
‘But what are these caves? What’s with the monsters? Why are there so many people here? How do those stones work? How did I get here and-‘ Mitchell stopped for a short while. ‘And how do I get back home, to the surface?’
Warren slammed his fist onto the desk. ‘Shut up!’
Mitchell, shocked, sat perfectly upright and didn’t move a muscle.
‘Sorry, shouldn’t have burst out like that. But let me tell you this. I came here a baby, you could say I was born here. Some folks found me, took me in, gave me a home. During my years I’ve seen plenty of people come here in the same way you do now. All of them going on about this “surface”. I may not know what it is, but I know how important it is to you. Makes it even harder to say that, no, there isn’t a way out. Spreading word about it isn’t going to help your cause, it’ll only hurt those who managed to forget about it. Whelhaven’s been here for a long time. ‘Tis a nice place and it isn’t going anywhere, so just enjoy your stay.’

About an hour later, the two of them were still chatting. Mitchell took a sip of his third glass of whiskey, while Warren was excitedly telling a story.
‘And that’s when I told them, “Screw losing my socks… I’m building a guild even if it’ll cost me all of that!”‘
They both burst out in laughter, Mitchell struggling to swallow his whiskey before he’d spray it all over the place.
‘Let’s be serious though, how about joining the Bastion? It’ll be fun, you’ll make some friends, and it won’t be long before you know the caves inside-out!
‘Ehhh, I don’t know. Isn’t there something less life-threatening I can do?’
‘Oh come on, we’ll train you properly. There isn’t a single member here we can’t call tough. Besides, you don’t always have to do any fighting. Scouts like Andrea usually get away with bailing.’
‘Oh shi-‘ Mitchell almost fell off of his chair when he realized he had left her waiting downstairs all this time.

He quickly thanked Warren for the stories and drinks before he left the office. ‘I’ll probably see you back here in a week or so!’ Warren had shouted, but he wasn’t sure if Mitchell caught that or not.
After closing the door behind him, Mitchell looked down and saw Andrea staring at him with a shocked, then relieved face. ‘Oh, it’s just you.’ She then reached over the counter of the bar to grab a pint of beer she probably put there to hide from Warren.
‘Yeah, sorry for the wait.’
‘Hope Warren didn’t wear you out too much, ’cause we’re still going to your welcome party tonight! Hurry down, let’s go!’

That… didn’t go super well. As usual, be harsh please. (Next part!)
~ Fang

Comments

  • Yimiki
    10/05/2014 (2:26 PM)

    So he can’t leave? Ever? That’s really harsh.
    Mitchell seems strangely okay with never ever seeing the people he loves before. 0.o Of course, he could just be pretending while secretly hatching an escape plan in his head. Or he has reasons for not minding to stay down there in the first place… so many possibilities. xD

  • 23/05/2013 (3:40 AM)

    Sorry it took so long to get to this. Been a tad busy with movie stuff, but we’re catching up. :)

    Mark’s on the right track, but it’s okay to not have to say “he said” or “she said” with every sentence. You can also break up dialogue with descriptions, like this:

    Tom sniffled. “I think I’m sick.”
    Sarah wrinkled her brow. “Well, don’t get me infected.”

    Which I think you do a good job of.

    My only critique? My one tiny thing? I think “Shut it” sounds silly for a conversation such as the one Warren is having. To me, you say “Shut it” when you’re joking with someone, like a kind of joking “knock it off.”

    “Hey man, did you gain weight? You look fatter today.”
    “Oh, shut it.”

    Onward! (Oh, and we’re glad to help)

  • 20/05/2013 (11:46 PM)

    Actually it went better than you’re expecting. You got the conversation across quite well and included exposition, avoiding Talking Heads quite well. The only thing I would suggest here is something someone suggested to me that worked quite well, double space conversations like this;

    “Hi.” A said

    “Hey.” B replied.

    It really helps avoid walls of text.

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