Fang Talks

She shoots bananas!
16 05 13

Caves, p4

Onward, we keep moving. Previous parts got some fixes, and as usual, previous part goes here.

As they got deeper into town, the music got louder as well. Andrea was softly humming along with it, now that she could hear it more clearly.
‘So this is… Whelhaven, right?’ Mitchell asked.
‘Hmhm,’ Andrea answered. For a short while, Mitchell wondered if that was a response, or just part of her humming. ‘Whelhaven,’ she then continued, ‘the place we all call home. Founded by people like you, but it’s been here for ages now. As I said, Warren will be telling you all you need.’

He thought that over for a bit, making sure to remember all the questions that popped up in his head to ask this Warren figure, hoping he’d be more generous with information than Andrea.
‘What’s with the loud music though?’
‘We’re throwing a party, obviously. We have ’em every so often, great fun!’
‘Is it a… welcome party?’
Not his best attempt at a joke, but it still managed to bring a smile to Andrea’s face. ‘Sure, if you want to think of it that way!’

Still closing in on the heart of the party, they stopped in front of a large, three-story tall building. A large sign above the even larger front entrance read “WHELHAVEN BASTION”.
‘Bastion’s the local guild. A normal job too boring for you? Join the guild!’
Andrea stepped into the building, Mitchell slowly followed. It was even larger than it appeared on the outside. The first floor consisted of balconies hanging over the pub-like area they were in right now, giving the place a very open feeling.
‘Warren isn’t really a party-goer, so I think he’s still in here. Probably don’t need to tell ya this, but behave. He’s a cool guy, but he’s kind of a big deal.’
Mitchell nervously nodded. Andrea walked up to the bar in the back and hit a service bell that was sat on the counter.

A door could be heard opening. ‘Coming, coming.’ They turned around, looked up. A somewhat short man, presumably in his sixties, stumbled across the balcony on the first floor, clumsily descended the stairs next to the bar, jumped up and sat down on it.
‘Sorry to bother at this hour, but I found him down south, and thought you may want to see him first.’ Andrea gestured for Mitchell to come closer.
‘That’s… alright.’ the man said, slurring his words. Mitchell could smell alcohol on his breath. ‘You got here today, kid?’
‘Yes, I- I woke up in these caves when Andrea found me.’
The man slowly nodded, then stretched his arm out. ‘Warren, welcome to the caves.’
‘Mitchell.’ He reached out and shook Warren’s hand, which felt rather weak, not gripping his own.
‘Why don’t you… come upstairs with me and have a little, uh, chat.’
Confused, Mitchell looked at Andrea. She swiftly nodded, indicating he should agree. He did, and followed Warren.

As usual, be harsh and hurt my feelings, ’cause I’m into that kind of thing. (Next part!)
~ Fang


  • 17/05/2013 (12:50 PM)

    Alright so here goes

    “‘Hmhm.’ Andrea answered.” pretty sure it should technically be ‘Hmhm,’.

    “hoping he’ll be more generous” ‘he’d’ would be better.

    ” A normal job too boring for you, join the guild!” This looks weird. It’s better to replace the comma with a question mark, imho. Makes it a lot easier to read this in the right intonation.

    “giving the whole place a more open feeling” more open than what?

    Apart from that, it’s pretty okay?

    Once again, I’m just pointing out the things I would change, which doesn’t mean they’re all unacceptable. ;).

  • 16/05/2013 (11:46 PM)

    I’m pretty sure that actions should follow words and you should only start a new line when someone new is speaking. You slipped into this at the end, but at the start you had new lines for actions. Other than it looks fine. Just be careful when it comes to a conversation involving more than two people, you’ll find yourself repeating “X said” a lot. You have to be very clear about who is speaking if it’s not obvious.

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