Fang Talks

much posts, wow, such persistence
12 05 13

Caves, p3

Continuing on, once again, from where we left off.

The caves had brightened up again. The luminescent rocks on the roof here appeared to have a slightly different color than the ones they had previously seen, but it was not very noticeable. Up ahead, stone walls with a single, barred gate came into sight.
‘That’s it.’ Andrea said. ‘That’s home.’
Though the walls seemed to form a large circle, surrounding a huge area, it didn’t look all that impressive. Mitchell didn’t say anything about it, and it wasn’t long before they reached the gate.

Behind the gate was a small house-like structure. A man could be seen sitting in it. His head hung back, his eyes closed, but his mouth wide open. Mitchell could make out a soft, snoring sound coming from the man’s general direction. He stood back while Andrea walked up closer to the gate, almost pressing her face against it.
‘Yo, Shon!’ she yelled at the man. His body spasmed, after which he quickly sat upright and looked at the person who had so rudely awoken him.
‘Oh heya!’
‘You should stop sleeping on the job man, your boss won’t be too happy if he finds out!’
‘He doesn’t need to know though. Hang on, I’ll let you in, as long as you keep your mouth shut against the boss.’ He laughed, moved out of his little booth, and soon after the gate got pulled upwards. Andrea crouched and moved under, and told Mitchell to do the same.

‘Besides, it’s not like anyone exits here, there’s not much to see down south.’ Shon continued their conversation from where they left off, but jumped onto the next topic when Mitchell passed under the gate. ‘Oh hey, a new face! Welcome to Whelhaven, hope you didn’t have too rough a trip. My name’s Shon, great to meet you!’
‘Thanks…’ Mitchell said, reluctantly shaking the hand Shon offered him. ‘I’m Mitchell.’
Andrea put a hand on Mitchell’s shoulder. ‘I’ll introduce him to Warren, and it’s not that late yet, so I can probably show him around town as well.’
‘Doesn’t he get a say in all this?’
‘Nah, it’s fine. Meeting Warren is basically mandatory these days anyway.’
Mitchell started a sentence, ‘But I j-‘
‘Come on, let’s get moving!’ Andrea interrupted him. Shon laughed as the two started moving.

They headed onward, apparently into town. After the noise of the gate closing behind them settled down, Mitchell started hearing upbeat music coming from further up ahead. He quickly found the sides of their path dotted with houses, yet there were no people to be seen.

Hope you like it. And as always, be harsh. (Next part!)
~ Fang


  • Yimiki
    10/05/2014 (2:17 PM)

    Heh, looks like Mitchell doesn’t get much of a say in what’s happening to him at all. xD
    I like it. The parts are a little short so far, but since there’s probably a whole load to catch up on, that’s perfectly okay. =D

  • 13/05/2013 (3:45 PM)

    This is looking great. Each part sounds better as your writing continues to grow.

    My nitpicky part:
    “If you listened carefully you could make out a soft snoring sound”

    In a story like this, where we’re focusing on Mitchell and Andrea, it’s weird to bring the reader into it personally. One of the things I’ve always been taught is to avoid using ‘you.’ It’d be better to say something like, “They listened carefully and could make out a soft snoring sound.”

    Just my 2 cents, though. Looking forward to the next part!

  • 13/05/2013 (12:34 AM)

    Two things;
    1. A man could be SEEN sitting in it.
    2. “soon after the gate was getting pulled upwards.” You slipped into the present tense there.

    But it is looking a lot better than it was before. I missed part two but switching to the past tense has really helped.

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