I‘m stressing my ass off because of this test week, and I have no idea why I’m this nervous about it.
I mean, my grades are pretty good at the moment. If I fuck something up, at least I have a decent buffer to catch the blow. But that also adds to the pressure. If I fuck up, all the good notes I got in the previous test week will be pretty much gone and my averages will plunge again.
Am I that afraid of fucking up? I think the opposite is more likely. I may be afraid of nailing it.
Don’t get the wrong idea, consciously I really want to get good grades and nail the tests and whatnot, but somewhere I also know that doing my exams well and graduating this year means an end to this part of my life.
I always used to be all “fuck, five more years of school, can’t wait ’til they’re over”, but the past few years have been so much fun, and now I can’t stand the idea that after we graduate we’ll all go our separate ways. We’ll see each other waaay less often, we’ll hang out only sporadically and rarely. Worst-case we’ll lose all contact all together. I will of course try my best to not let that happen, but the possibility is there. It’s sitting there, waiting for it’s chance. Staring at me. Giving me the creeps. Killing me slowly from inside.
Sure hope we get to do speeches at the graduation ceremony if we want. I’ll burst out into an emotional rambling of how fucking much I love everyone and how I would’ve been nowhere without them and everything.
But there’s still a “long” way to go before I get there. Test week starts tomorrow, hope I can shake of these shitty feelings so I can make my tests to the max.