Fang Talks

Sugoi programming onii-chan!

I‘ve got quite a bit written down already, so I’ll keep it going for a little longer.

I’m not quite satisfied with the sentence building and general structure, though. I start with “The” way too often.
But meh, we’ll see where this goes. Enjoy!

The lid made a creaking noise when the kid dared to pop his head out. He looked around, not a soul in sight. Phew. Better get out of this smelly mess.
The lid was forcefully closed by some unknown force. The kid was trapped inside.
‘Thought you lost us, eh?’ The voice from that dude from before. ‘We knew you’d be hidin’ in here. And y’know what? We ain’t lettin’ you out ’till we get that necklace.’
The kid stayed put though. He didn’t give in to their threats. But it wasn’t too long before they got impatient. They opened the container, and pulled the kid out by his shirt.
‘Now listen, kiddo. We’re getting impatient.’ The guy spat in the kid’s face. ‘Ya know what that means?’
The boy shook his head. Trembling. Eyes half-closed.
‘It means ya fucked up!’ They threw the kid to the ground, only to pick him back up. ‘Hold him steady boys, Imma rip it off of him.’

The two friends took the kid by his arms, held him in mid-air. The buff guy took the crystal in his hand and pulled on it. It didn’t budge.
‘Goddamned thing isn’t comin’ off…’ he mumbled, and pulled harder.
The string of the necklace started cutting into the kid’s neck. It started bleeding, the kid groaning from the pain.
A loud snap, the cord broke. The punks had gotten what they wanted, and threw the kid on the ground once more. ‘Later, shit!’

Powerless. He was powerless once again. As he laid on the ground, he filled with hate. Not the usual hate he felt towards those who actually had a home, family, friends, good lives. Hate that was more pure, more fierce than anything he had ever felt before. Anger, too. Anger, to the point of madness. He rubbed his hand along the back of his neck, got blood on is hands. He saw its bright red color. Smelled it, tasted it. Oh boy was he going insane!
‘Hey!’ His robbers turned around. What now? And why did that voice sound much more mature than the one they heard before? ‘Better hand it over and be done with it!’
The guys laughed at the way the kid recited what they said earlier. ‘Dream on kiddo!’
Just when they wanted to turn around and walk away again, they noticed the kid slowly stood up. He mumbled something.
‘What’s that, boy?’ They approached him again. ‘Maybe ya need to give up aready!’ They were close enough to punch the kid in the face.
They did.

Comments and critique, please!
~ Fang


  • 20/10/2011 (5:29 PM)

    yeah. there were a couple of grammatical errors in the narration. nothing some good editing could fix.
    he got punched, when he started acting all brave. i lol’d.

  • 18/10/2011 (5:16 PM)

    Coupl’a unnecessary repetitions at the start, i.e. forcefully by an unknown force and “they got impatient… ‘Listen, we’re getting impatient.'”

    Otherwise, yeah, pretty good. Mystical necklaces might not be the most innovative concept in the universe but you write great action scenes.

  • 16/10/2011 (8:23 PM)

    Someone’s gonna get eaten!!!

  • 16/10/2011 (7:12 PM)

    I was like “oh boy here we go!” when the kid stood up. Then he ended getting punched. I did’t expect that.

  • 16/10/2011 (5:39 PM)

    Format and grammatical errors aside, it’s catchy. I had the benefit of reading both parts at the same time. I agree about the names, or at least some synonyms for “kid” unless you are pushing that as the moniker for that character.

    As with most things, you must keep writing to excel! Keep it up.

  • Jay
    16/10/2011 (7:36 AM)

    Not a bad effort, spend a bit more time reviewing and editing, it’ll be worth it. :D

  • 16/10/2011 (1:38 AM)

    I wanna know what he said! You shouldn’t be too worried about starting a lot of sentences with “the” because so far it’s mostly “The kid” or “The robbers”, when you start dropping names it’ll go easier on you. It’s why I name drop characters pretty quickly.

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